Revisiting an entry randomly

Below are affirmations I made on July 19, 2011, slightly over a year ago. These statements have not changed much, but circumstances have to the extreme. The third one should be my first priority, but because he is not here, there is only so much I can do. I guess in a lot of ways I've changed over the years, but I also retain the same desires and aspirations.

• I know I want to complete my MA in Romance Languages, even though it's not what I want my career to be in. If it takes me longer than to the summer of 2012, then that's okay. I'm not in a rush; I want to be sure and eventually feel secure in that decision.
• I know I want to move out of New Orleans at some point in the near future. Definitely not permanently, but I want a new perspective, I want some change that forms or informs me more for the better. Maybe NYC or Philly?
• I want to be with Jesse indefinitely. I love him more than I ever could have imagined, and I don't want this to change.
• I'm going to reapply to the New School and apply to a couple of other schools for either Anthropology or an MFA in Creative Writing.
• I will not settle for a job that I hate just to get benefits or be more financially secure. I'm happy in my job right now. I just have to juggle priorities and necessities with wants and desires.
• And, just to throw this in there last, but not any less importantly, I want to be there for my sister.
• Somehow, among these self preservations, I will make my parents proud.

Phoenix Resurrected

May I find strength in the imagery and symbolism of my title.

I feel inclined to write, but can I really start up where I left off about 9 months ago? So much has happened since that time, some exciting, wonderful and happy things, and some sad, heart-breaking and terrible ones.

But, this is where I try to pick myself up. I already have been keeping a written journal for quite some time now, and I put in there my inner most thoughts, written to both myself and someone who cannot read it, who I cannot send things to.

If anyone is really out there reading this, which I seriously doubt, I'll give an update in that I have recently moved to New York to pursue my MA in Anthropology. Yes, just one entry ago, I announced my decision to apply to 5 different schools. Unfortunately, I did not get into 4 of them, including my first choice, UT Austin. Fortunately, I did get into the New School on my second try. So I'm staying with a family (who is on vacation most of the summer so I'm often alone in their home); they are friends of my close friend from high school, Drew, and her husband. I'm on Long Island until I can get my own apartment, which will be possible when I either get a better job or when I hear back about my PLUS loans. I hope to move to either Queens (Astoria, Woodside, Sunnyside), Brooklyn (Clinton Hill, Park Slope, Williamsburg, Prospect Heights, Greenpoint, Bushwick) or Manhattan (East Village, Washington Heights or Harlem?). So as you can see, so much has changed. I'm excited at starting my graduate studies in something I'm passionate about but often I feel broken, alone, not complete and weary. I guess that is all to be expected moving across the country by myself and also following everything that has happened. I don't know what else to say or think. I just wake up every day and get through it. I go through the motions doing the tasks I need to do to get on with my life, to get to that first day of classes, to try to feel better.

I've been thinking, however, that I should resurrect my blog, or a blog. I just need to learn more about html formatting because I'd really like to make this one a good one, maybe even get a following. I feel like some of my friends would read it, and I love writing. And, I am having some difficulty finding a job in NYC so maybe if I really cultivated my blog and began writing again, I'd be able to present it as a portfolio one of these days. Maybe. All ambitious, but we'll see. I've also, as of today, started reading more news on a few sites, mainly CNN and The Times, but I'd like to become more knowledgeable so I can participate more in conversations and civic engagements. I want to eventually write for a magazine, but not on fashion or music, but on sociocultural occurrences and trends. I feel rather ignorant and like I have not accomplished much. I lost the right, subject-targeting, singular driving "experience" following graduating from Loyola because the economy was in an non-hiring position, but I didn't find a way to get a job which may look better to the people to which I'm applying now. In NYC. But, I loved my life in so many ways. Scriptura was the best place I've ever worked, and I've made lifelong friends there. And, I had one person who was the best thing that I've ever had the privilege to be with, to build a life with. But, things change. And, it can't be the way it was right now. Though, in my eyes, perfection did exist. I was upset sometimes, but I also felt so very blessed and I thought I made that known. I thought I saw it reflected. But, I guess I was wrong. I guess it's not enough. I guess I'll try harder to be me, to grow, to not be sad all the time.

I'm sorry that this post took a turn for discouraging, but I am jaded, I am broken, I am not the self-assured 21-year-old I was five years ago. It's no one's fault. Along the way, I was becoming more and more insecure. I guess it had to do with the fact that I didn't feel like I had much success academically or career-wise, but I do recall that I LOVED my life so very much. I feel embarrassed to say this on here, and maybe this is why things changed. But, he was my life. I was very happy. And, then I was not.


Tonight is White Linen Night in New Orleans. I remember last year. While New York is exciting and overwhelming (in a spectrum of ways), I miss my dear New Orleans. I miss my life. I would do anything to have it back. I would have never said that anything was inevitable. I would have never gone to Spain. Yes, I would have cancelled my trip. I want my Saki walks, our bike rides, our walks to Rouses' and our days. And our nights. But, I know that this is not possible. Nothing is absolute, but it feels like nothing will ever be the same.