Me-time

Disclaimer: The opinions stated in this journal, while actual sentiments, are in no way meant to hurt the feelings of or criticize any readers. If something seems offensive or hurtful, I really apologize. I just write for emotional exporting.

It's been a long week, but at the same time, where did the time go? I had high hopes of productiveness, but, alas, I'm in BR until tomorrow morning, and upon returning to NOLA, I have an apartment waiting to be cleaned. I wanted to have the apartment completely organized by the time that Jesse comes home, but now it looks more and more like that's not going to happen. Mia and I are leaving for NOLA tomorrow morning because she begins her summer session of class; we had come to BR this weekend to spend it with my mom, but because she works so much it's not like we did really much with her at all. Mia wants me to help her move into her dorm after class, so though Jesse's been gone for the last 8 days, I feel like I have gotten next to no alone time, no me-time.

It's my own fault though. Last Sunday I was talking to Mia on skype. Neill had wanted to do something, and so when he got to my house, I asked him if he wanted to go to BR to pick up Mia. Though she said not to pick her up, she just sounded so lame and bored in BR. So we went to pick her up. She had said she wanted to spend the week with me. I told her that I had to work nearly all week and that I had to teach in the evenings, which is why she conceded not to come, but I gave into my own guilt (damn, I hate how guilty I feel; I hope my children are not guilted by me) and thought, well, this is the only time I'll have a chance to get her so I might as well let her stay over for the week. Already, I had planned on going to BR the next weekend to visit my mom. But, everyone seemed to think that I couldn't come home to an empty house in dark New Orleans, that I couldn't possibly take care of myself and have them (miles and miles away) feel that I was safe. They wanted piece of mind. I must admit I was (and perhaps still am) a little resentful because of this. I've certainly been bitter at various times this week, but all by my own doing.

It seemed like once Jesse left, it was non-stop outings and activities, and while this is the way things fell, I hadn't meant for them to be this way. I planned certain things, but I didn't want them to be what I did because Jesse wasn't home. And, it wasn't. But, at the same time, I did want to do these things (e.g., babysit Saturday night, go out for a celebratory drink Monday night with Lizzie after our second-to-last class, dinner with coworkers Tuesday night at Lola's, etc.), and consequently I was stressed. I worried about how things were going with Jesse and me (probably mostly because of the distance), but at the same time, I wanted independence.

I don't want to be away from him, but I also want to make sure I have my own identity, which may be very influenced by and moved by his, but still with my own ambitions. It's been a week of self-refecting, and so far, I still don't love what I see. This might sound bad, but I'm feeling that I've become more easily agitated, more materialistic, and that I'm judgmental and even somewhat racist sometimes. And, I feel terrible that I'm doing this, but I can't figure out how to stop. It's like I'm playing into stereotypes sometimes. I know that that's just what they are, but I'm automatically thinking them more than I believe I should be.

So this was more of a rant, an exercise for myself on how I'm currently feeling. I've got to do some stuff around the [BR] house, among other things before I return to NOLA. This week was the last week of regular LG so I have a breath of a break before camp begins. A week since my last post, I've gotten in arguments with both Mia and Neill, and while I feel bad about how they unravelled, a part of me wanted to say those things--a part of me just wants to tell them how I feel. I'm just not as social or interested in doing some of the things I once used to enjoy; I'm constantly surrounded by people and I rarely feel like I have any me-time. There were good things that happened this week too (like spending time with Mia, my mom, Neill; finally watching It's Complicated and Sex and the City; possibly finding a new apartment that Jesse and I might like--that is, if we can actually afford it; etc.), don't get me wrong. And, I have more to say, but better wait for another time.

Lastly, but certainly not least, I can't wait for Jesse to come home. I miss him.