I'm in a bad mood.
Last night, I specifically told Mia that I didn't want to hang out today. I texted her asking what time I could bring her the pad thai that I was planning on cooking (so she wouldn't have to eat cafeteria food or dorm reservations) and letting her know I didn't want to hang out because I had lesson plans to do and I knew I'd just want to relax since I've been really tired and busy lately; not to mention that I know Jesse wants to come home and relax which is hard to do when someone else is here. Instead of me dropping off a pyrex container to her dorm, she said she'd come over around 7 since her practice was near my apartment and pick it up. She showed up with Sabrina (a friend of hers who I do like and wasn't upset with today) around 6 or 6:15. After about 45 minutes of hanging out while I started to cook, they decided to go get us Thai iced teas from Chill Out. I didn't want to try to brew the tea at my place because it would take a couple of hours and many dishes. Mia wanted it so I suggested just buying some at Chill Out Cafe. Because my cooking ended up coming out terrible (which is something else I'm upset about), I called her and asked her to pick a few entrees because I didn't want to serve my sorry excuse for pad thai. When she got back to my place, I told her how I felt and she said that they'd go back to her dorm, but then, once again, I felt terrible for saying anything to her and Sabrina so I cajoled them to stay even though Jesse was about to get out of class and I knew he was looking forward to doing something--just the two of us. I ended up bringing them back to campus around 9 (with Mia's car of course, which is why I need alternative transportation. Bike, anyone??). And it's not that I didn't particularly enjoy either of their company. They were quite pleasant. It's the fact that I wanted those 3 hours to myself--to be able to follow my own schedule, to relax, to not feel pressured to entertain.
The reason I texted her last night was to diffuse any confusion. On Sunday, I invited her to go to Adele's party with me. I told her ahead of time that Adele's mom asked me to help with arts and crafts and that I needed to be there early to help set up. I asked her if she was still going to the mall. I told her that the party didn't begin until 3. Well, after mass, we're on our way to their house, and I ask her if she's going to do some of her homework at CC's or Whole Foods or something (she had told me that she wasn't going to the mall anymore and Adele's family lives near CC's and Whole Foods). Logically, I believe, she should have inferred or I insinuated that she needed to find something else to do between 1 and 3 that afternoon. Well, at first, she was her overly-sensitive, dependent and indecisive self. After I tried to explain to her how awkward it would be for her to come (I said I have to help set up; she said that she could help; I said she wasn't invited to help), I finally gave in, feeling awful that the idea even crossed my mind for her not to tag along. So we get to the door and I tell Holli (Adele's mother and my 30-something-year-old friend) that Mia's gonna hang out. Holli's super nice, but we're talking about setting up for Adele's party and she asks me if I want to see the Mr. Roger's Neighborhood episode where he goes to Eric Carle's workshop. This is to give me ideas for my arts and crafts activities that I'll be doing with the kids. And Mia just stands and eventually sits when Holli asks her if she wants to, being awkward. This is the very reason I didn't want her to come. I don't want a shadow. I don't want my sister to constantly tag along when I go somewhere or do something with my friends. It used to annoy me that she'd want to do that when I was in high school and even in college. I mean, I understand that she's my sister and that it's been hard for her to make friends at Xavier. But, sometimes I'm selfish. Sometimes I just want to hang out with other people. Sometimes I want to hang out with Mia. Sometimes I just want to be alone. As much as I love Jesse and I love being with him, sometimes I want to be alone and away from him. Ahh. That's my vent. Maybe it wasn't as articulate as other posts, being in the heat of passionate upset. I wouldn't say I'm fuming or enraged, but I definitely feel emotionally charged.
I know that Mia's not just anyone. She's my sister. She's family. I acknowledge that even if my actions aren't always a display of respect of that fact. Her family status, undeniably and obligatorily, is part of the reason I feel so shitty when I reprimand her for doing stuff in our apartment or around me that I find somewhat bothersome. I have a tone with her; I'm an asshole when she's involved. I want to stop, but even when I do it--as I'm saying the very vitriolic whatever-- I can see/hear myself doing so. Why am I a bad sister? Why do I feel so petty? I know that I'm unreasonable and irrational sometimes. But, do I have to change this? It's part of who I am.
As a footnote, I attribute the hiatus on cooking pad thai to how terrible this attempt was. I can't remember cooking pad thai since living on St. Charles almost a year ago. I feel rather discouraged by tonight. I'm going to try not to waste though because I used tofu, baby bellas, and other groceries that I just don't want to waste. I used way too many noodles and next time I'll buy thinner rice noodles.
No comments:
Post a Comment